Pokemon Addiction

I tried my best not to give in the urge to play Pokemon go.

For about two weeks.

When it came out, I wasn't really interested in another game, seeing as I was trying to replay my old favorite games so I have the game saves to play the new ones (Dragon Age, Mass Effect, and Witcher series). Though, that was more for playing at home. At work, I was bored out of my mind. So two weeks after Pokemon Go came out, I succumbed and download it.

Man, that was annoying. The server kept shutting itself down (probably because of the massive amount of people trying to play). I played it at best I could, catching SO MANY Rattatas and Pidgeys. So many of them, it seems that's all the Pokemon I would encountered; but I persisted, and went around Poke Stops, getting Pokeballs and trying t find new Pokemon types.

But the problem of Pokemon Go game is, well, you have to go around. There's only so far/so much I could catch while at work and at home that I found myself being bored of it so easily (No walking around? No Pokemon for you!)

Two weeks of Pokemon Go, and I managed to get myself to level 12. And completely bored of it. There was no real excitement for me in Pokemon Go, except for talking about it with my customers and co-workers, and being teased for playing that game.

Two weeks of Pokemon Go, and I was craving the authenticity of actual Pokemon games, of encountering wild Pokemon and actually battling them, of finding new Pokemon sitting in my comfy chair, of accumulating items that I don't actually need in my bag without the limitation of Pokemon Go.

I was wanting to play actual Pokemon games, so I did. I purchased a second hand New 3DS XL that came with Pokemon X and Y, and I've been so absorbed into it for more than a month now. And by absorbed, I mean addicted.

That's how I am, when I found something I like, I throw everything of me into it. It means both bad and good, however, as I'm having so much fun it's all I thought about.

And since I gotta catch them all, the walking around method wasn't enough. I gotta find them another way, since I don't really want to play older generation games, seeing as the graphic just isn't as good. And since Pokemon X/Y was my restart in Pokemon industry, I cringe at seeing older graphic (I did ordered Pokemon White, but couldn't play it because it looks something like the Minecraft to me, which is horrible.)

So I yielded and look up ways I could find different Pokemon from previous generations. At first I was trading, but the GTS system in the game seems to want legendary Pokemon more often than not, and being a noob, I have no legendary Pokemon to trade with. I ended up searching the web for Pokemon to purchase. Amazon has legendary Pokemon, but at $9 each plus $3.99 shipping, I cannot afford to fill out my Pokedex that way.

So onto the web search again, and I found different sites selling Pokemon, but the cheapest and nicest website I've been to is www.pokemonlove.me website. It offered a variety of Pokemon legendary, for a few bucks each. Now it is my guilty secret of filling my Pokedex with pretty, shiny Pokemon XD

It's hard not to keep ordering, as they are so adorable, and the prices is cheap.

Cross your fingers for me as I continue to travel the path of Pokemon Trainer XD

Polysorbate 20 is bad!

Or anything with PEG/Polysorbate #, as the # is how many Ethylene Oxide chain it is treated with. After the Korean skin care (KSC) episode, I was careful on what skin products I put on my face; but thankfully, there were no more problem after fixing the faucet and eliminate irritating ingredients. I have not encountered any more trouble from my skin, except for when I accidentally used a serum with Polysorbate 20. As the previous posts have mention how contaminated this ingredient is, I have learned my lesson, and did not put anything with this ingredient on my face.

The first one is Super Vitamin C serum from New York Biology; I've put it on my face and my skin protest right away. Then I ordered some more product, not knowing about the polysorbate 20, like Retinol Moisturizer and Retinol Serum from BaeBody - which actually produces nice products, as I've used their B3 serum, Hyaluronic serum, and Vitamin C serum with almost no problem, and gotten soft, hydrated skin in the process (I'm loving my Amazon Reviewer life XD). Then Retinol Correcting Serum from Joyal Beauty; Vitamin C serum from Sky Organics. I've ordered these, and didn't see the Polysorbate 20 until I hold the bottles in my hands >______< Sad, really, because they have great ingredients in them, and would be nice serums to use; but the polysorbate 20 is a deal breaker D:

At least I've started to check the ingredients more thoroughly. Except that sometimes my skin throw me a curve ball and it hit me in my face, in more ways than one.

Case in point: I'm particular about my products, and I've been only using Burt's Bees lip balm. I've been using it for YEARS with no problem whatsoever, and it's the only thing that I could use that doesn't give me an allergic reaction, as most lip balms these days have SPF, and my lips are allergic to SPF. Yeah, only my lips, weird, eh O_O There's no explaining my body anymore. Anyway, I've been using Burt's Bees lip balm for a long time, but after the KSC, and after I got my skin back to normal, my chin was behaving weirdly with the dry and peeling and feeling dehydrated skin again, and I couldn't figure out what the problem is, as I've change all the things I could. Then I read the ingredients for the Burt's Bees lip balm, and it is: cera alba (beeswax, cire d'abeille), cocos nucifera (coconut) oil, helianthus annuus (sunflower) seed oil, mentha piperita (peppermint) oil, lanolin, tocopherolrosmarinus officinalis (rosemary) leaf extract, glycine soja (soybean) oil, canola oil (huile de colza), limonene.

I've been using this irritant for years, but my skin decided that it want to protect me, so it refused to work with anything that have bad irritant (Limonene is rated 6 on EWG) and was trying to tell me. After I stopped using the Burt's Bees lip balm, my skin normalized. It's so hard to find anything that doesn't have limonene, except for vaseline, and that's not really something I want to use in the long term. There isn't anything that is usable by me, as they are either contained irritants, or have SPF, or not organic. I hunted through the few markets that my small town have, and ran upon Out of Africa lip balms, and was so happy! XD I think I got my new HG lip balm. Hopefully, things will go on as normal and there isn't anything that my skin would protest again. Though, I've gotten better at reading ingredients. Wootz wootz.

Lock, Letter Opener, and Anti-Aging

I'm at that age where I'm starting to worry about aging. It's weird, because I do look way younger than I actually am, but after researching about the Korean skin care, I realized that I be preventive and take care of problems before they arrive, because once the wrinkle comes on, they're harder to take care of.

Man, why does being a woman take so much work and effort? Why can't I just be a man and wake up with no care in the world?

Of course, I'm just being generalize, my husband told me that his mother taught him to take care of his skin since a young age, and he's very diligent at it; which means not all men can just wake up, wash face with water, and go.

But still, to have the options. No lengthy skincare routine, no makeup, no hour-long hair routine, and a host of other stuffs that women has to take care of before they leave the house.

Urgh.

Anyhow, I'm 27 going 80, it seems, and despite my good genes, I thought I should prevent the problem before it started. Cue the bunch of anti-aging skin care products I received, both bought at full price and discounted price through the products for reviews thing I'm doing.

The first ones on the list is from Youth and Botanics, whose products is made in USA. I've got both their first line of products, Hyaluronic Acid Serum, and Anti-Aging Cream.

Ingredients: Organic Herbal Infusion, Organic Aloe Barbadensis Leaf (Aloe), Hamamelis Virginiana (Witch Hazel), Cassia Angustifolia Seed Polysaccharide (botanical hyaluronic acid), Kosher Vegetable Glycerin, Methylsulfonylmethane (MSM), Hydroxyethyl Cellulose, Carrageenan Gum, Organic Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba Oil), Wildcrafted Camellia Sinensis (Green Tea), Pelargonium Gravolens (Geranium Essential Oil), Sodium Ascorbyl Phosphate (Vitamin C), Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E), Sodium Benzoate, Potassium Sorbate, Ethyl Hexyl Glycerin.

They said it's 72% organics, and I like the ingredients, they're great skin nourishing ingredients; plus, Hyaluronic Acid is a great skin moisturizer. They has so much important function in our bodies, from cartilages, to cell repair; and just like any wonderful element, our body produce less and less of it as we age, and in turn making us less invincible @__@

With my damaged skin from the Korean skin care phase, I have a great appreciation to Hyaluronic Acid for repairing my skin moisture's barrier, and giving my skin the hydration it needed, so I've been grabbing all the Hyaluronic Acid serum I can get my hands on. This is one of them.

I have high hopes for this, as the ingredients is great; however, this has not been as effective as I had hope. First thing I noticed is the smell, it is not strong, but it isn't pleasant. It smell like sour cucumber with a hint of dirt (my nose is very sensitive to smell, especially since the embankment on the road of natural skin care, and I've gotten used to/preferred the unscented products). The smell is not that strong, and it faded after I put on moisturizer, so it's not a deal breaker. However, it's not as hydrating as I thought it would be. It did the job of nourishing my skin, as my skin is so soft after using this, but for some weird reason, it left my skin feeling a little dry. As well as not spreading easily on skin, I needed to apply more of this than the Swanson Vitamins Hyaluronic Acid (which has better feel on the skin, and easier to apply/spread easily on the skin). I might have to go back to that, as this serum doesn't give me as much hydration, despite having use more of the Youth & Botanics serum. Which brings me to the next product.

Ingredients:

Purified Water, Organic Barbadensis Leaf Juice (Aloe), Organic Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower Oil), Cassia Angustifolia Seed Polysaccharide (botanical hyaluronic acid), Hamamelis Virginiana (Witch Hazel), Glycolic Acid, Methylsulfonylmethane (MSM), Glyceryl Stearate, Kosher Vegetable Glycerin, Squalane, Lactic Acid, Isopropyl Palmitate (Palm Oil), Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Octyl Palmitate, Organic Cocos Nucifera (Coconut Oil), Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa Butter), Cetyl Alcohol, Cetearyl Alcohol, Cetearyl Glucoside, Stearyl Alcohol, Potassium Stearate, Sodium Ascorbyl Phosphate (Vitamin C), Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride, Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil, Crithmum Maritimum Extract (Sea Fennel Wax), Matrixyl 3000, Palmitoyl Tripeptide-5, Cucumis Sativus (Cucumber Hydrosol), Carbomer, (2s)-2-Amino-5-guanidinopentanoic Acid, Organic Beeswax, Organic Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba Oil), Calophyllum Inophyllum (Tamanu Oil), Wildcrafted Camellia Sinensis (Green Tea), R Lipoic Acid, Arctostaphylos Uva Ursi Leaf Extract (Bearberry Extract), Vaccinium Angustifolium (Blueberry Extract), Organic Vaccinium Macrocarpon (Cranberry), Rubus Idaeus (Raspberry Seed Oil), Wildcrafted Mahonia Aquifolia (Oregon Grape), Organic Glycyrrhiza Glabra (Licorice), Wildcrafted Euphrasia Officinalis (Eyebright), Helichrysum Italicum (Helichrysum Essential Oil), Camellia Oil, Persea Gratissima (Avocado Oil), Pelargonium Gravolens (Geranium Essential Oil), Organic Borago Officinalis (Borage Oil), Organic Linum Usitatissimum (Flax Seed Oil), Organic Oenothera Biennis (Evening Primrose Oil), Organic Rosa Canina (Rose Hip Oil), Sodium Hydroxide, Ubiquinone (Coenzyme Q10), Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E Acetate), Phytic Acid, Phospholipids, Tocopheryl (Antioxidant), Lecithin, Pyrus Malus (Apple), Citrus Medica Limonum (Lemon), Saccharum Officinarum (Sugar Cane), Dipeptide Diaminobutyroyl Benzylamide Diacetate (peptides), Cymbopogon Schoenanthus (Lemongrass), Ascorbyl Palmitate (Vitamin C Palmitate), Acetyl Hexapeptide-3, Sclerotium Gum, Potassium Sorbate, Panthenol (Vitamin B5), Wildcrafted Arnica Montana (Arnica), Organic Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavender), Organic Calendula Officinalis (Calendula), Organic Anthemis Nobilis (Chamomile), Vitis Vinifera (Grapeseed Oil), Macadamia Integrifolia (Macadamia Nut Oil), Sodium Carbomer, Xanthan Gum, Phenoxyethanol, Ethyl Hexyl Glycerin, Benzyl Alcohol.

I've been using this combination of serum and cream, and yet I wasn't getting enough hydration in my skin, even though the two was easily absorbed into my skin. It is so weird. I've even mix and match these two with different serum/face cream, yet the result is still the same, my skin is soft and feel good, but dry at the same time. I stop using these and returned to my basic skin care, and my skin feel hydrated again. I don't think I'll be using these again. Not to mention, the cream has a very unpleasant scent to it. It smell like cinnamon, boiled bean sprout and holy basil. Not a very nice combination of scents. It's not that strong, just unpleasant, and doesn't linger at all after putting it on. Blah. Oh well, I'll just find other products XD

Another product I got a letter opener. I've been meaning to get one for a while now, but was too lazy, haha. Fortunately, I get offered one in email, saving me the effort of having to look. I quite like it, and it's useful, especially with how I open my mails.

Looks like a toddler has opened it, didn't it?

My mom has been nagging me about it, since I'm usually the one open letters, and it looks like it's been opened by someone who doesn't care. And I don't xD I just wanted to get to the content, but I have to admit for a neat freak, it just doesn't look right. So I finally got a letter opener :)

It is so cute! I'm not a girly girl, but this satisfy my aesthetic senses xD I love the Greek column, and it reminded me of Sailor Moon's staff. Cutesy, no frill, and looks like it's something I can stab something else with XD I'm sold on all aspect :) Plus, the rotating mirror-like heart is pretty neat! I could spend lotsa time just flicking it, if there's nothing else to do XD

Though, I did notice a flaw, right under the column, where the top and the blade connected, I discovered it isn't one whole piece, but two different part glued together. It's sturdy though, and stay put even when I tried pulling it apart (what can I say, I wanted to make sure it wouldn't accidentally fly away when I open my mail too enthusiastically - and I tend to open my mail with great enthusiasm). It's a great letter opener, and it's meant to be! Mwhahahahaha xD

Lastly, I also got a TSA lock, to replaced one I've lost during my transit from California. I am still annoyed because of that.

What happen is that in the airport, luggages get inspected randomly, and I guess I had never been through that experience, so my first one is a little traumatic that I expected. I don't usually lock my bags when I fly, but there was an occasion when I have a lot of stuffs in one luggage, and I have to lock it in case it spills. Murphy's law came into effect, and when I went to retrieve my bags and found out the bag I locked was the one that TSA inspected. I'm ok with inspections, but I had thought they would use special keys to open locks.

Nope, what they did was tore the lock from my luggage, leaving the zipper broken and unable to hold my stuffs. I didn't see this when I pick up my bags, but when I tried taking the locked bag, everything came spilling out. Wasn't a pleasant experience running after pill bottles and stuffing my undergarments back into the bag. Also, since the zipper broke, it rendered the luggage broken, and I have to threw that one away and get a new one when I got home. I was angry and irritated. Anyhow, the one I got was basic combination lock.

Easy to open, easy to set the combination :)

 I don't think I would ever lock my luggages again, but I'd want locks just in case. Maybe leave it unlocked so TSA would stop destroying luggages. Urgh.

Free Amazon stuffs in exchange for reviews

I've been a devout worshipper of Amazon since 2011, buying random things I thought I can't live without, haha. Then I became a Prime member and fell in love with their shipping, and how they grow over the years. I had heard of them Vine program (where you get free/discounted items in exchange for reviews about the products), and wanted to be a member, but that program is invitation only, and I was not exactly keeping up-to-date with the reviews, as I usually just buy it and forget about it XD

As it happened, I was doing some research about that, and came upon two website listing other websites that you can sign up to get free/discounted items in exchange for reviews xD I love how things work out. The two sites I visited was Vonbeau and ReviewerCollective

Those two are the sites that have the most listed websites you can registered, and they are either browse-able, or get emails send to you, as well as invitations to try products (like Tomo). I'm still working on my review writing skill, and this helps a lot. I had so much fun browsing and picking items that I forgot what I had looked at, so much items. They are not cheap or bad items, either, but multitude of home goods, beauty products, decorations, hardware, supplements, etc., etc.. I've ordered a bunch of them with little cost to me, and awaiting new shipments.

I'm going to try aiming to get better with writing about products that fits with my picky personality, and with my honest opinions of it - then again, I'm opinionated about everything.

Like the Vitamin C serum from New York Biology, I do not like it nor recommended it.

I love how they have the natural D-alpha vitamin E, as it is better for your skin/body than synthetic vitamin E, and your body need less of natural vitamin E versus synthetic vitamin E. Except for Phenoxyphenol, and the Polysorbate 20, the rest of the ingredients is great, and I'd love to be able to use this, but the PEG 20 is a big turnoff. I didn't see it when I check it the first time, and used it; my skin reacted to it, and that was annoying. I'm not going to use it again, and it's sad for such a great combination of ingredients to go to waste, if only they didn't have to use the PEG =/ I don't like giving bad reviews unless I need to, and in this case, I do need to @____@ Stay away from PEG!! GRAWWWRRR!

The worst culprit

With my skin not liking anything at all, I remembered that I have a slight allergic to metal (which is why I cannot wear any of them adorable but fake and cheap jewelry, sad, because I can't afford real jewelry, and can't wear those cute rings and earrings at the stores), so I decided to check my sink's water supply.

Funny thing about the water supply, we used to have a water softener, but for some reason, my brother in law, who used to live with us for a time, took it away and never replaced it, and I had no knowledge of that until recently, and I have no idea where the water softener suppose to go so I can't replace it. So our water is not exactly good for my sensitive skin, though I do have a shower head filter, so I don't usually have problem. And now, I find out that the problem is in the sink faucet itself.

Disgusting, right? It's the faucet that was installed when the bought the house in 2006, and has not been replace. Since I'm a little bit allergic to metal, the rusted copper did not help one bit. I wish I have know this when I moved back here. I took this off an apologized to my skin @_____@

I had a hard time finding a good faucet that doesn't have copper insert, and came across Delta one that promises no lead/metal poisoning.

The connectors are made of enforced plastic, and the claim is that once the water enter connectors, it does not touch metal at all, something I desperately needed. After changing the faucet, my skin stopped its tantrum, and returned to hydrated, plum, soft skin. I was extremely happy! Found the worst culprit that was hurting my skin.

I'm happy with no more weird skin reactions, but I'd still stay away from Korean skin care products, and anything that has PEG in it.

Though, after my skin returned to normal, I did receive some skin care products to try out, New York Biology Vitamin C serum, and I didn't noticed the PEG in there when I applied it to my skin. I used it in the morning, and the whole day, my skin had dry patches and was itchy. I wasn't sure what happened to it, then I remembered using the serum, and check it for ingredients once again when I got home. I checked it before, but I missed the PEG 20 ingredients in it. Bad bad bad serum. Reminds me to check things when I'm completely awake next time. I'm totally not a morning person at all, despite living in a household with early birds. Or maybe because of it. Hmmm.

Lesson learn, haha.

Culprit #3

Things have been so hectic here that I haven't been able to update the blog. Between looking for apartment, packing, and looking for a job, I barely have time to breath. I haven't been sleeping good, and my raven black hair is spotting white hair here and there, at age 27. Urgh. q0s1x1t5

Anyhow, I was doing some inventory of the things my skin didn't like, and read up on the ingredients one by one, but didn't get to post them before now. Below are the products I used in my Korean skin care routine (not all at once, but here and there interchangeably, and switching them to try to find a way to calm my picky skin down):

Honeybunny Propolis Ingredients: Water, Propolis Extract (15%), Glycerin, Butylene Glycol, Sodium Hyaluronate, Alcohol, Honey, 1,2-Hexanediol, Centella Asiatica Extract, Camellia Sinensis Leaf Extract, Chamomilla Recutita (Matricaria) Flower Extract, Glycyrrhiza Glabra (Licorice) Root Extract, Polygonum Cuspidatum Root Extract, Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Leaf Extract, Scutellaria Baicalensis Root Extract, Punica Granatum Fruit Extract, Ficus Carica (Fig) Fruit Extract, Codonopsis Lanceolata Root Extract, Polyquaternium-51, Sciadopitys Verticillata Root Extract, Ubiquinone, Althaea Rosea Flower Extract, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract, Allantoin, Acetyl Hexapeptide-8, PEG-60 Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Carbomer, Triethanolamine, Fragrance, Human Oligopeptide-1, Dipotassium Glycyrrhizate, Tocopheryl Acetate, Adenosine, Hydrolyzed Collagen.

Snail Bee Steam Cream Ingredients: Snail Secretion Filtrate, Glycerin, Butylene Glycol, Cetyl Ethylhexanoate, Cetearyl Olivate, Sorbitan Olivate, Sodium Hyaluronate, Niacinamide, Stearic Acid, Behenyl Alcohol, Phytosqualene, Human Ogliopeptide-1, Bee Venom, Arbutin, Adenosine, Helianthus Annus (Sunflower) Seed Oil, Carthamus Tinctorius (Safflower) Seed Oil, Argania Spinosa Kernal Oil, Glyceryl Stearate, Arginine, Carbomer, Urea, Tocopher Leaf Extract, Salix Alba (Willow Bark) Extract, Ulmus Campestris (Elm) Extract, Pentylene Glycol, Zanthoxylum Piperitum Fruit Extract, Pilsatilla Koreana Extract, Usnea Barbata (Lichen) Extrac.

Olive Cleansing Oil  Ingredients: Olive Oil, Jojoba Seed Oil, Avocado Oil, Argan Oil, Tea Tree Oil, Sunflower Seed Oil, PEG-20 Glyceryl Tristearate, Squalene, Olive Oil PEG-7 Esters, BHT.

AHA/BHA Clarifying Toner  Ingredients: Mineral Water, Salix Alba (Willow) Bark Water, Pyrus Malus (Apple) Fruit Water, Butylene Glycol, 1,2-Hexanediol, Sodium Lactate, Glycolic Acid, Water, Betaine Salicylate, Allantoin, Panthenol, Ethyl Hexanediol.

Shara Shara Aqua Bomb  Ingredients: Purified Water, Butylene Glycol, Niacinamide, Betaine, Mushroom Extract, Burdock Root Extract, Portulaca Oleracea Extract,Licorice Extract, Peony Extract, Cnidium Extract, Tea Tree Leaf Extract, Indian Melia Azedarach Leaf Extract, Lime Tree Blossom Extract, Sugarcane Extract, Houttuynia Cordata Extract, Edelweiss Extract, Jasmine Extract, Cypress Leaf Extract , Eggplant Extract, Aloe Vera Flower Extract, Basil Leaf Extract, Turmeric Extract, True Coralline Extract, Bamboo Leaf Extract, Honeysuckle Extract, Suited Castor Oil, Water Soluble Collagen, The Position Can Hazel, Aloe Vera Leaf Extract, Sodium Hyaluronidase, Birch Sap, Lemon Oil, Basil Oil, Geranium Oil, Clove Leaf Oil, Damask Rose Flower Oil, Rosemary Leaf Oil, Ylang-Ylang Flower Oil, Ethylhexylglycerin, Sparkling Water, Sea Water, Xanthan Gum, Adenosine, Ethanol, Methyl Diisopropyl Propionamide, Trehalose, D-Panthenol,Ceramide, Phenoxyethanol.

Shara Shara Berry Bomb  Ingredients: Water, Glycerin, Butylene Glycol, Niacinamide, Panthenol, Glycereth-26, Diglycerin, Betaine, PEG/PPG-17/6 Copolymer, Phellinus Linteus Extract, Arctium Lappa Root Extract, Piper Methysticum Leaf/Root/Stem Extract, Portulaca Oleracea Extract, Pueraria Thumberganaa Root Extract, Glycyrrhiza Glabra (Licorice) Root Extract, Paeonia Lacifotora Root Extract, Cnidium Officinale Root Extract, Euterpe Oblecena Fruit Extract, Rubus Chamaemorus Seed Extract, Vitis Vinifera (Grape) Fruit Extract, Coccinia Indica Fruit Extract, Eclipta Prostrata Extract, Rubus Idaeus (Raspberry) Fruit Extract, Vaccinium Angustifolium (Blueberry) Fruit Extract, Morus Alba Root Extract, Fragaria Vesca (Strawberry) Melia Azadirachta Flower Extract, Solanum Melongena (Eggplant) Fruit Extract, Aloe Barbadensis FLower Extract, Serenoa Serrulata Fruit Extract, Prunus Armeniaca (Apricot) Fruit Extract, Curcuma Longa (Turmeric) Root Extract, Corallina Officinalis Extract, PEG-40 Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Soluble Collagen, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Sodium Hyaluronate, Citrus Aurantium Dulcis (Orange) Peel Oil, Hydrogenated Lecithin, 1,2,-Hexanediol, Glyceryl Polymethcrylate, Ammonium Acrolyldimethylaurate/VP Copolymer, Ethyxyglycerin, Polyquaternium-51, Adenosine, Disodium EDTA, Folic Acid, Ceramide 3, Cholesterol, Raffinose, Palmitoyl Pentapeptide-4, Phenoxyethanol.

Cucumber Gel  Ingredients: Aqua, Cucumber Extract, Hyaluronic Acid, Aloe Vera Leaf Extract, Birch Tree Extract, Glycerin, Fragrance.

Slowganic Adlay  Ingredients: Camellia Sinensis (Green Tea) Leaf Water, Sodium Glutamate Laurate, Glycerol, Trehalose, Water, Betaine, Triethanolamine, Acrylates/C10-30 Alkyl Acrylate Crosspolymer, Peppermint Leaf Oil, Lime oil, Lemon peel oil, Basil oil, Orange oil , Ylang-ylang flower oil, Geranium flower oil, Job's tears seed extract, Green tea seed oil, Evening primrose oil, Camellia oil, Macadamia seed oil, Barley seed oil, Brazil nut seed oil, Sweet almond oil, Argan tree kernel oil, Olive oil, Sunflower seed oil, Jojoba seed oil, Rosemary leaf water, Matricaria flower water, Grapefruit peel oil, Horse chestnut seed extract, Ammonium Lauryl Sulfate, PEG-6 Caprylic/Capric triglyceride, Ethylhexylglycerin, Ethanol, Carbomer, Disodium EDTA, Phenoxyethanol, Methylparaben, Benzyl alcohol, Dehydroacetic acid, Caramel.

Refined Clear Foam  Ingredients: Aloe leaf, Peony, Centella extract, licorice raspberry, and blueberry extract.

(And desperately to try and put some water back into my burning, irritated, parched skin) Climax Water Pool Cleanser Ingredients: Soap grass extract, muhwanja extract, yam root extract and wheat germ extract.

I finally gave up and admitted that I failed in using Korean products, despite being born and raised in a neighbor country. Even my skin had been Americanized beyond recognition, it seems. The more I persist in trying Korean products, the more my skin rebelled. I gave up the products, but I didn't give up the steps, at least, though it's narrowed down to 1) Eye makeup remove, 2) Makeup remove, 3) Toner, 4) Serum, 5) Moisturizer. That's still something, right? The whole thing took me about 4 - 5 minutes. It's less than the Korean 10 steps, but more than my previous rinse then moisturize, and according to Geisha skin care routine, less is more :)

My skin is doing better. Much much better. It had returned to its original state, before I move back to Indiana, and only acted up in light dry patches when I'm too stressed (once or twice occurrences since last update.)

I had try to figure out what was it about the Korean skin care products that my skin doesn't like, and I noticed that my skin reacted the most with PEG; of course, there were a couple of products that my skin was reacted to that was totally innocent (?), but my skin behave worse with PEG than without, and the cause of other reaction had been found out and fix, and will be show and tell next post, but I want to bring attention to PEG in this one.

You'll see lots of things that has PEG-6/20/60/80/100 Stearate, and they're all bad. Polyethylene Glycol Stearate "is made by combining natural oils (oftentimes palm or coconut) with Stearic Acid to form a water-soluble ester, and the numerical value of each PEG Stearate corresponds to the average number of ethylene oxide monomers in the polyethylene chain, from 2 - 150" (taken from Truth In Aging), and it is not harmful in itself, but what it can be contaminated with. Polyethylene glycol is produced by the interaction of ethylene oxide with water, ethylene glycol, or ethylene glycol oligomers (Wikipedia), and usually, the contaminant are processed out, but might be missed, allowing ethylene oxide monomers to remain. They are in the low number, but ethylene oxide are carcinogenic, and have the rating of 10. And of course, PEG will usually be process by intact skin so it doesn't get into the blood line, but, well, it's bad for broken skin.

It doesn't apply to everyone, of course, as millions of products with PEG was used by millions of people with no problem. I'm just one of the few that has too sensitive skin, and didn't like it much. I mean, just look at the thousands of people that uses and love Korean skin care products that I tried, and they didn't have any problem. I'd still advise precautions (because I'm a paranoid hippie XD).

In any case, that was the bad news, as I will not be using Korean skin care products any time soon, and I'm not sure if I would be interested in any other Asian skin care products. I don't want to fight my Americanized skin any more, and just use Western products from now on. However, I wish you all luck in succeeding with Korean skin care, or Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, Indian, etc. - any skin care that you fancy (without bad skin reaction, of course).

Cheers for the skin, they tell us so much :)

Aveeno Eczema Therapy Moisturizing Cream

Ingredients: Active: Active Ingredients Colloidal Oatmeal. Inactive: Water, Glycerin, Distearyldimonium Chloride, Panthenol, Petrolatum, Isopropyl Palmitate, Cetyl Alcohol, Dimethicone, Avena Sativa Kernel Oil (Oat), Steareth 20, Avena Sativa Kernel Extract (Oat).

My skin was steadily getting worse and worse, despite every (supposedly) moisturizing skin care product that I smother it with. Finally, it got to the point when my whole face was completely red, felt like it's on fire, and so raw that I couldn't even splash water on my face without it screaming at me. Both my mother and I was in a panic, but it was midnight, so there was no way we could go to a doctor or anything.

In panic mode, we went to Target and got some skin irritation care, namely Aveeno (being the closest thing to organic that we can get our hands on at such short notice), and some hydrocortisone cream. I immediate put them on in layers on my throbbing, burning face, hoping I'm not going to make matter worse.

It helped. Tremendously. Overnight, my skin was less red, and feel so much better. I was hesitant of this result, because I got similar result with the Mizon Snail cream, so I kept applying it and crossing my fingers.

Three days later, my skin is doing great, better than it ever has for years!

Of course, as my skin heals, it was itchy, and shredding a lot of dead cells. My face kept being flaky, and I have to apply the Aveeno several times a day, but each day is better than the last; and finally, this evening, I did a gentle face towel exfoliation before hitting the shower. The result after is hydrated, plump, and UBER SOFT SKIN!! XD My skin has never felt or look this good before. Even patchy skin tone is getting even out! Whew, this is some powerful stuff! Of course, it might be the dimeticone in the ingredients list, but my skin is great!!!

Not a fan of the Distearyldimonium Chloride, Petrolatum, and the Dimethicone, but I'm glad this thing help save my skin!

Culprit # 2

So I got this guy at a local TJ Maxx, and thought it was a great find. It's made of silicon, and is battery operated (I bought it back in February, and the battery is still going strong today without needing to change yet). The indent in the middle is the power butter, and you can adjust to make it vibrate as you wash your face. I haven't have to adjust it, since it has the right amount of vibration from the start, and it feels good and soft on the skin. Plus, it made a crazy amount of foam (I've tried this with 3-4 different face wash, and it foams more than I've ever seen).

Since it felt good, and make my skin soft and give that clean but not squeaky feeling, I've been using it day and night for about about three or four weeks straight. No wonder my skin rebel on me. This is an exfoliate thing, even though it's very gentle; as skin care goes, frequent exfoliation is a no no. I guess my skin didn't protest any sooner was because this thing exfoliate, but very gentle on my skin. Though, it made my skin so soft! XD Well, this is a lesson well-learn, and I'm a little bit apprehended about using this again, since I found a better way to gently exfoliate your skin with a soapy face towel, and don't do it as often as I did before.

I don't want to let this guy go to waste, so maybe now and then I'll use it, but definitely only once a week thing, so the vibration encourages blood flow XD

I got one for myself, and another one for my mom, and I'm not sure if you could find it in your local TJ Maxx, but I definitely recommend this product if you can, forget Clarisonic, this thing would change your outlook on skin care product, and will be the only one you need XD Forget all those different brushes. Just one item for the rest of your life, simple, eh? ;)

This would make great gift to friends and family. I bought this for about $9.99, but the two I grabbed was the only two left. I tried going to different TJ Maxx store, but they don't have it. I search online, and the closest thing that look like it has a price tag of $169 (no thank you), the other types doesn't look like it, but has a better price, like $16.99. I hope you'll be able to find one :D

Before I found them and hoard them all xD

Update on Mizon Black Snail Cream

It's been almost a week, and I'm frustrated. A lot. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, or if Korean skin care routine is totally not for me. I know everyone's skin is different, but I only heard great things about Korean skin care products, I haven't seen one mention/review/blog that even said anything about Korean skin care not working for them. It's so weird O_O

At first, the snail cream helps moisturized my skin, but lately, it make my skin dried out in the morning, and the peeling and cracking skin has come back.

It's so tight, dry, and uncomfortable D:

I'm at a lost. What am I doing wrong? Why am I the only one the 10 steps routine not working for? @__@

It's not even winter anymore. It's already may, but Indiana's weather is pretty moist, with rain off and on, and I thought the moist air would help with my skin. It isn't. At all. I am at a lost what would help D:

I did more research, and found out that my dry skin is not just dry, it's dehydrated, according to Dermalogica, and it makes sense, as my face doesn't feel dry underneath, just on the surface. And gawd know my skin was oily enough to soak up napkins before it decided to throw a 4 months long tantrum.

I've also discovered that my kin had a problem with Woolite laundry detergents. My husband love the brand, and I love Dropps. Being in the military, the less you have, the easier it is when you move. Dropps was one of the things that started my conversion to the organic side, and it's easier to just toss a pack into the washer and be done with it rather that dealing with the messy liquid detergents (I'm uber lazy, the less I do, the better), so I had been using it for almost three years. Then I met my husband and he took over the laundry department.

The reaction took a long time to manifest, so I didn't think much of it, then my skin's quitting make me re-examined everything I was using, and the laundry detergent was one of the thing that created such a big fuss in my skin. I was at a point where my face was red as a tomato @____@ I've re-wash everything with my favorite detergent, and immediately my face stopped the redness overnight (who knew one of the culprit is my pillowcases washing?) This teaches me to stray from Dropps xD

Another culprit was the Vitamin E cream from Jason Naturals itself. Yeah, I gave it a great review, and it came back to bite me. My skin type was merely typical combo skin, after using this, it did moisturized my skin and make it better than the dry skin I had before, but it make my skin became dependent on oily products - to which I didn't realized until the time of my desperation (of last night and still). I had to dug up the half-used jar from the recycle bin and use it again (after cleaning the outside, of course). It helps my skin feels a little better, but it won't accept non-oil based products anymore. I'm pissed =/

Basically, short of changing my face to another one, I'm having to start back at square one, with even worse skin than I started. This is a lesson for my impatience @__@ What a shame, as I've bought a few more skin care products that I slathered on my face as an ineffective attempt at fixing it. I'm going to have to start at basic face wash, cetaphil-like moisturizer, and the unpetrolium jelly as needed. This is testing my patience xD I'm the type to jump all in, and this hinders me significantly. At least my pillowcase won't keep agitating my face anymore.

Natural 90% Olive Cleansing Oil by Elizavecca

Ingredients: Olive Oil, Jojoba Seed Oil, Avocado Oil, Argan Oil, Tea Tree Oil, Sunflower Seed Oil, PEG-20 Glyceryl Tristearate, Squalene, Olive Oil PEG-7 Esters, BHT.

I was freaking out so much yesterday, because my skin seems to be getting worse as I frantically tried toner and moisturizers that promised to hydrates my skin to the next century. I practically coated my face with extra layers of toners and moisturizers at night, but when I woke up this morning, my skin was still feeling dry, tight, and the flaking I saw yesterday was lessen (I used the cleansing oil twice last night, and I guess it helped a little, as the flaking was all over my face yesterday instead of just on my cheeks and under the jaw).

Urgh, my skin was so dry that it was peeling and wrinkling. It wasn't fun.

Though, as you can see, I'm a little bit happy with the Black Snail cream after all, because the redness is almost gone, and no more itchy skin :)

With this weird skin behavior, I decided to use the two step oil cleansing again instead of just the foam cleanser. I only needed one pump this time, and it covers all my face :) I was doing a little scrubbing motion with my fingers instead of an exfoliator, because I feel like my skin is too dry for that. After that, I added a little bit of water and continue to massage the oil into my skin.

Before using this oil, I wasn't sure how well it emulsify with the water, but as you can see, it mixes with the water and formed a milky, watery mixture, and it's easy to wash off with cool water (I uses cool water instead of warm, because it help not drying out my skin more than it already is).

I followed up with a foam cleanser, and felt so much better! This is definitely an extra step that I don't mind, because the oil feels so good on my super dehydrated skin. It has only a very faint smell of olive oil, and the ingredients is so very simple :) I'm in love with this, and it's only been the second day of using it. With the main ingredients being olive oil, it's a great oil cleanser, and I hope in time it will help my skin regain its water barrier and become hydrated again. I'm just going to stick to using it at night instead of using it every time I wash my face, because don't want to overload my skin with oil, despite wanting the feeling of soft, hydrated skin after using the oil. It might take a little bit of time till my skin return to normal, I'm just hoping it won't be long.

Here's a picture of my skin looking much better after the oil cleansing.

Less redness, more hydrated, and feeling oh so soft <3333333

This oil cleanser might become my holy grail product XD

This skin of mine

My face is driving me crazy. I just don't understand what's it doing. I've been trying to figure out what would work for it.

I tried the Black Snail cream yesterday, and it works ok-ish. It started to feel a little burn this morning when I put it on, though it didn't make my skin red. On the contrary, it helps lessen the redness of my skin, but it doesn't feel like hydrated enough.

The redness has went down even more after using the Black Snail

It feels like my skin is a desert, nothing would make it happy.

So I went back and read about the steps in Korean skin care, and there are extra steps that Korean women use:

Night: Oil cleanser, foam cleanser (apparently it's double wash to make sure everything is off your face), toner, serum/essence/ampoule, maybe a sheet mask if you want to, then moisturizer.
Day: foam cleanser (because you already got everything off at night), toner, serum/essence/ampoule, sheet mask (optional step), moisturizer, sunscreen.

Easy enough. I generally do face wash, then moisturizer, so adding more washes at night, serum, then moisturizer is a few extra steps, but it doesn't take more than a few seconds each; so I don't mind it.

I did what was listed, and it was weird, at first. I have the ampoule, but decided to skip it because it was irritating my face. That gives me foam face wash, toner, then moisturizer. And extra step, and I was hoping it would help my skin.

It didn't, not really. It wasn't hydrating enough, and the application of the Black Snail cream makes my face get a little hot. Nothing unbearable, and the heat went away after a minute with no sign of irritation, so I ignored it.

I had to go out, but I didn't want to put on a full face of makeup with how irritated my face is, so I opted to put only the face powder and upper eyeliner on. The only good thing was that my face wasn't peeling. However, my skin felt like it was halfway back to its parchment state. Almost. It felt like the dermis layer is hydrated enough, but the epidermis is just about to become peeling skin.

I'm getting pissed about how weird my skin is. I've have had dry skin, especially when I came back to Indiana, but it couldn't be explained. Sort of putting oil on my face, nothing feels hydrating (though, I did put oil on my face while trying to exfoliate the uppermost layer, but even that didn't help), and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

I have ordered the toner, or skin, from Innisfree, and it's Olive Real Skin, supposedly help to moisten skin. I've used the toner this morning and just now, but I still feel my skin need more. I'm starting to get worried though, because I'm not sure how to get my skin to be happy. I don't want to keep ordering stuffs that supposedly works (especially it works for so many other people), only to have it not work on mine.

Why do you got to be so difficult, skin?

As for the oil cleansing, I got this Olive Cleansing Oil, hoping it would help. At this point, I'm feeling like I'm going to have to drown my face in everything under the sun to make it moist. Unfortunately, I can't do that, and I'm trying to not do too much.

The cleansing oil did feel so good when I was using it (two pumps covers all areas of my face, neck, and a little extra); it glided on my face so easily, and it took of makeup pretty good (I had on the long lasting I'm Eyeliner, and it was long lasting, even for me (I've destroyed many other types of waterproof eyeliners in under an hour before). I didn't even scrub at all with this oil cleanser. It took off every thing on my face with a few massaging strokes. I was impressed.

After the oil, came the foam cleanser, but my skin stay soft even after the shower, so my hope was shot sky high. I put on clarifying toner, and freaked out - my skin was peeling and looking like it finally gave up trying. I didn't took a picture of it because my focus was getting it back under control. I had to do another oil cleansing, massaging of about an inch of dry skin in total, and was hoping that the cleansing oil would help hydrating my face.

I put on the Innisfree's Olive toner, then put on a layer of the Black Snail cream, and it burns more than a little. I winced and keep on going, because I thought my skin is uber sensitive now after the AHA/BHA toner. I layered on a pea amount of vitamin E cream, hoping it will help like it did before. Then another layer of the Black Snail cream because my logic said the more the better, the more the hydrating.

My face was immediately felt like it's on fire, and I freaked out a little, thinking my skin snapped and will became irritated and rashy again. Nope, my skin looks normal. No bump, only the residue redness from the Tonymoly's snail cream remains, and no itchy spots.

What in the world, skin?

It is dehydrated when I don't layer. It is dehydrated when I layer. I can't win.

I'm getting irritated and down because I can't figure my face out T_____T

This milk is bananas

So I've been browsing YouTube videos, and I keep running into this commercial. It's SO CATCHY!!!! And I've been watching/listening to it for a while now. It's in my head, and I'm even listening to it as I'm writing this post. It got an upbeat to it that give a little fun in my day XD
Speaking of milk. I am beginning to swear off milk and any dairy product.

Why? Because it's scary, disgusting, and unhealthy. I know, right, it's completely opposite to what the milk industry told us. Who would have thought doctors have been telling you the wrong thing?
Growing up in Viet Nam, drinking milk every day isn't a thing. I don't exactly go without milk, as I eat yogurt and have condensed milk now and then, but milk in a gallon or dairy products aren't a daily staple, and I have never eaten cheese prior to moving to the States. Again, it's not that it's because we don't have them, we do, but dairy products are a luxury, not a necessity.

Normally, an average family will consume more vegetable, fish, and fruit more than meat. And don't forget rice. Why? Because in Viet Nam, vegetables and fruits (some of them) are generally so much cheaper than meat. How much cheaper? Think $1 for 1 kilogram of vegetable vs $10 for 1 kilogram of meat. Fishes are usually $2/3 a kilogram, and fruits are anywhere from $1-$5 a kilogram; and Viet Nam is a poor country, so yeah, you can see why meat is a luxury. It also make sense why we're so much more healthier than meat eaters :) We have so much variety of fruits and vegetable that it's easy to live on cheap vegetable and fruits and still gets all the necessary nutrition, and even sometimes more.

As for milk, like I said, Viet Nam is a poor country, we don't really have fridges to store food for another day or week, so we can't just have a gallon of milk laying around. When I was growing up, my Mom would occasionally splurge and bought my sister and I to a big, fancy market (big and fancy for poor Vietnamese, but those markets are generally just the normal Meijer and Walmart to Westerner), and bought us a pint of fresh milk. It usually cost her about $4 for that pint, so we only get to have it about one every week or so. What is more the norm is condensed milk, and the can of condensed milk cost about $2/3 for one, and we uses it to make Vietnamese Coffee, a most wonderful concoction :) And occasionally, when my sister and I got sick, Mom would make hot condense milk drink for us (2 tbsp condensed milk with 8 ounces of boiling water). And another rare treat would be yogurt. But it's not the rich, creamy yogurt you westerners are used to, Vietnamese yogurt (or Da Ua) is very thin in texture, and it's mostly sweet with the crunchiness of ice (as it's mostly water, think watered down ice cream), and our ice cream is similar to our yogurt, sugar and water with food coloring and then freeze, so yeah, the rich and creamy texture of western yogurt and ice cream is not something an average Vietnamese person would ever get exposed to.

Asians rarely consumed dairy products is because we have no need of it. As babies, we would drink our mother's milk and gets weaned around 1 or 2 years old, then from that point on we don't really need milk, as Vetnamese diet are rich in fresh fruits, vegetables, fishes and lots of herbs and spices (again, because they're extremely cheap and much more available than meat). With its tropical climate, fruits and vegetables are so easy to grow, hence it's much more affordable to a normal Vietnamese family, though it had changed in recent years, as I went back for a visit sometimes around 2008, and the price of a kilogram of vegetable is around $22 in Vietnamese currency, due to the tourists that had now become the source of income for Vietnamese people).

Food in Vietnamese culture have been influenced over hundreds of years, but it enriched our food cultivation instead of drowning out our history, and we're very creative when it comes to cooking food and making do with what we have. There's so many ways of making a meal, and I remember having so much variety of food types when I was growing up (my Mom is such an accomplished cook), though like I said, our diet are mostly vegetable and fruits and many type of fishes. Soups are somewhat a stable in my family's meals (it's so easy to cook: prepare the veggies, boil water, throw them in with seasoning and you're done, plus it helps picky eater like me washes down dry dishes), and in fact, I preferred soups with my meals, because it enhanced the flavor of rice, and helps me eat faster (soupy rice goes down the throat easier without much chewing XD I know it's bad for your tummy, but I was a kid, ok? Not to mention, my stomach is strong because of it).

I remember growing up, having 1 meat dish a day is already a lot, and with how expensive it was back then, my Mom had to work a lot to make enough money to feed my sister and I; and the both of us have bottomless stomach. I would ate the normal 3 meals, then have snacks constantly between the meals, and was still hungry. Despite how much my sister and I ate, we were scrawny little things, with bones and skin. You'd think our mother doesn't feed us, but we ate almost all hours of the day. Mom used to joke the only time our mouths wasn't busy chewing is when we sleep.

So yeah, with how expensive dairy product is, it's rare for us to have it. But we don't need it, because as you know, Asian people live a long life, with strong constitution, and being sick is rare for us (beside the common cold), with beautiful skin and hair, and we look younger than our age. All that without milk. So maybe you should be rethinking about chugging down that glass of milk, eh, eh ;) ;)
Dairy in Asian isn't a normal occurrence, not to mention sometimes it's view as a weakness (there's an insult to grown people about their breath still smelling of mother's milk = weakling, wet behind the ears. Yeah, we Asian are long winded with our hinted insults xD We tend to not tell you straight out that you sucks :P)

Historical timeline of milk doesn't say much about dairy in Asian culture (except India), because to us Asian, cows are farming animals, and if it give birth to baby cows, it means the income/labor force is increased once the baby cow grow up = we don't mess with the baby cow's milk source. And we generally don't drink cow's milk is, well, because exactly that, it's cow's milk xD.

Most Vietnamese people drink water, or rice drinks (this is also how mothers who doesn't produce enough milk feed their babies in my country, by cooking rice with extra water, and feed the baby with this mixture, it's very nutritious and will be covered in another post), and thanks to tea culture introduced to us by China, we either have iced or hot tea in addition to water :)

I remember when I was growing up, I was a very healthy child, albeit very scrawny. I rarely got sick, and I ate a very healthy diet. I misses the meals from back then, the variety of fruit and vegetables, and the thousands of different dishes that came from that. I misses the food the most living in America, because despite the oriental markets that is all around, there isn't as many ingredients as I used to have (well, duh!), and they're quite expensive ($3 for a measly 2 ounces of Vietnamese herbs). Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life here, it's the food that I misses the most XD Well, I do have a bottomless stomach after all :P

But yeah, Asian cultures have been doing fine without milk, until the introduction of westerners, and even so we don't actually have much to do with milk, and we're still fine. What I want to do most is to be informed about the products that I put in and on my body, and I'm glad that with today's technology and widespread of information, I can do that easier than the previous generation. I hope you'll be able to do the same, because knowledge is power, and you have the ability to get that kind of power easily :) Eat healthy, my friends, because you deserved to be taken care of, by you!

Borderline Personality Disorder

Getting diagnosed with BPD was both a relief and a source of worry. I saw myself fluctuation with great frequency between opposite spectrum of emotions, and it's a relief to know that it wasn't of my imagination. That I wasn't defected in the way that I thought I was.

Everybody have their own insecurities, and feelings different emotions at once, but BPD suffers worse than that. It's a mental disorder, and I'm still conflict with myself knowing that I have a faulty brain, but it helps in knowing to keep watch on myself and understand the reason why I felt and behave the way I do.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD accurate name for the illness, and actually is misleading, BPD doesn't have an actual name for it yet, as it is still relatively not widely known, despite numbering 1 in 150 people estimated to have BPD. I've been reading a lot of articles about BPD, and it seems that the world either thinks BPD sufferers are either poor victims who needs lots of understanding and care, or BPD was born evil.

A lot of people thinks BPD are crazy, and does not want to tolerate BPD's misbehaviors, and That person with BPD intentionally manipulate you because they're insecure, and they often have bad relationships, and they have a progression of how the relationship evolves.

Loving someone with BPD is a roller coaster ride, and not many people have the strength or will to be able to do it. Knowing this, I understand why - when I look back - I pushes people away. I was scared of them getting to know me, and I felt that they cannot handle me.

To explain it in further details, BPD is emotional PTSD, to which a person have trouble with controlling their emotions and feelings and it affects how they think and act.

This list is copied from Dual Diagnosis, and I put in my answers to these things:
The DMS-IV outlines nine symptoms that identify borderline personality disorder. In order to be diagnosed by a mental health care profession, one needs to be at least 18 years of age and exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:

• Extreme reactions to real or perceived abandonment. The feeling of being abandoned is perhaps one of the most indicative markers of borderline personality disorder. Whether real or imagined, a person suffering from BPD may show intense, often inappropriate, reactions when he/she feels abandoned. (This is true, for when I perceived that someone I love wanted to leave me, I would have anxiety attacks, beg and cry, anything to keep them with me.)

• Torrid relationships. A person with borderline personality disorder often has intense emotions about friends and others close to him/her, in particular lovers or caretakers, which may correlate to fear of abandonment. Feelings may constitute extreme love (idealization) or hate (devaluation) and are subject to change without notice or predicating event. People with BPD may also seem overly reliant or dependent upon friends, lovers, or family members. (Hard relationships, yes, when I either relied upon them completely, or tried to do everything on my own.)

• Distorted self-image. Often feeling like he/she is “bad” or “evil,” a person with BPD may show signs of low self-worth or value. This disturbance in perceived identity is frequently negative or pessimistic and can shift suddenly. For example, someone with BPD may have extreme feelings about how they are unloved or worthless triggered by an event in which a friend is five minutes late for a lunch date. (This applied. I've always have a thought/feeling that I'm a terrible existence, that I'm a poisonous person, completely evil through and through, the worst human have to offer.)

• Impulsive or dangerous behavior. Impulsive or risky behavior often includes sex, substance abuse, binges, or charging a lot of money on credit cards. These behaviors are often considered to be dangerously impulsive and can put oneself or others at risk. (Impulsive, yes, as I completely get absorbed into doing something, like chasing down a 'perfect' wine when I saw an ad; but never have I been promiscuous nor abused substances like the thing suggested.)

• Recurring suicidal thoughts. The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that living with BPD can manifest into destructive behavior, such as self-harm (cutting) or suicide attempt. (All my life, I've felt like the world would be a better place without me. I felt happy imagining how beautiful the world would be, and how free I am if I don't exist. I have only three times thought of killing myself, but the thought of I shouldn't exists was always in the back of my mind.)

• Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Those suffering from BPD may often feel disillusioned or unfulfilled with their places in life. (The emptiness scares me. This black hole I felt in me that I didn't understand and didn't know how to deal with. This black void that threatened to swallow me whole and reduced me to an empty body. It has been with me for so long.)

• Inappropriate anger. Referring to the earlier example about a lunch date, a person with BPD may yell at a friend for being late. It’s possible that, going to back to unstable relationships, he/she may immediately switch feelings about that person and illustrate devaluation as a result. (I experience this often with my parents, whom I would suddenly have an intense rage whenever I hear their voice or see them, and I felt like I would explode whenever that anger comes on. It's understandable, since they were the ones that the beatings came from when I was growing up.)

• Intense and highly unstable moods. Those with BPD often display unpredictable and erratic behavior as the result of varying moods. (Yep. I swing from extremely happy and sociable one moment and then 'leave the the hick alone' the next.)

• Stress-related paranoia or dissociative symptoms. This symptom is marked by a loss of reality or perception. (I daydream a lot, and often time feels like I'm barely there in body.)

I now operate on three mode: feelings everything under the sun, feeling nothing at all (the empty vessels that barely function), and (what I'm trying to cultivate) is feeling overwhelmed with so much feelings, but a little detached while trying to understand and processing those emotions and thoughts.
BPD attitudes can range from everything is their fault to everything is your fault. It is not intentionally, or a mean to manipulate you, it's just our way to trying to live up to a 'normal' standards, and feeling like we have to have an answer for everything, even if that answer was wrong, but it's the best one we can find at the moment.

Personally, my life is a rainbow, without the appreciation for the beautiful colors that no one have a name or description of. I confuses myself on a daily basics, and my goal is 'conquer the world' in one moment that changes into 'I want to go to the moon NOW'. It's exhausting trying to keep up being me.

Relationship with BPD are complicated, and unpredictable. It's how people are attracted to us, because we're exciting, but it is a wear and tear ride that not many can continues. We're extremely smart, and we have a way with people, but often it's how we want to be alone: because people see the happy mask, and they didn't see the person underneath crying their heart out. It's exhausting to have the mask in place, and we usually want to be in our shell, being protected from others and protecting others from ourselves.

We are crazy, but we do love deeply, and the reason we're so caring is because we do not want others to feel the same pain we do.

I've always felt this way, but my diagnosis was only recently. I have a long way to go to overcome this, but it felt tremendously good that I am aware of this, that I am aware of myself. And it's been so helpful in knowing that this can go away with work. I'm determined to be the best that I am, and I know that I am worth it.

An open letter to Non-BPDs

What are we doing?

I am in rage. Rage and pain. Pain because the world is suffering, and almost everything wrong is going on all around the world. Rage because it defies common logic, and rage because I want it to change but it would take more than just me.

How easy it would be if it was just me, that I wonder why people do not realize that we are all connected. That what we do to one another, we do to ourselves. I rage in pain because we are hurting ourselves.

And we pride ourselves on being an intelligent specie.

We are not. We are barely at a point of walking on two legs. We are still animals.

In nature, the strongest survive. We are still doing that, we are still following nature's laws. The only times when we show ourselves to be the higher specie, the 'evolved' one are the times when we acted with love for others.

The only time we becoming a higher being is the time we acted at our best, not our base.
The only time when we are deserving of the 'intelligent' title is when we take a look at ourselves and realize that we are not intelligent. Not yet.

When we fooled ourselves into thinking something is not what it is. When we belittle others' suffering and hurting others while thinking that we're being strong. We are not being intelligent, nor are we being strong.

We don't even address each other correctly, and yet we pride ourselves in have an advance communication method.

We have not even realized that one action will lead to another. That there is no such thing as race, and that gender is not all there is to us. We are more, but we didn't see that. We are creating a vicious cycle. And we didn't realize it would come back to us.

Strong topics make us uncomfortable, so we dumb it down.

We treat each other like we are not worth it.

This brought be the worst pain, as a person: we put the responsibility of fixing our mistakes to our children. We told them they are our future, but what are we doing for them? We abuse them, we neglect them. Hell, we even married our young, and favor one child over another. We even encourage them to hate. We deny them education, we teach them to kill, we uses them as a weapon, we oppressed them and uses them as a source of income. And we want them to grow up right? What kind of future are we giving them?

And worst of all, they didn't choose any of this. WE DID!

We have not realize what we do to one another affects us, too.

We have not realize that we are one.

I am in rage because we have so much potential, but we are not living up to our amazing beings.
I am in pain because we are not being our amazing selves, but we have so much potential.
It is time that we face the truth: we are not an advance specie. We are still in our childhood. We still need to learn more, and educate ourselves. Only when we realize that, and understand that, can we learn and be better. Only when we face the truth that we still don't know, can we actually start learning.

And we need to learn, because we're killing ourselves.

Family? What family?

Everybody have a dysfunctional family and that's where we sees ourselves, really sees ourselves and learning who we are. If you're lucky, you get family that you can talk about, be proud of. If you're not, you'll want to get away from your family. I'm the latter. I'm not just getting away from my "family", I'm cutting ties with them completely. And thanks to my mom's divorcing my dad, soon, I'll be completely off from them, never to be seen or heard from again.

Having being born and grew up in Viet Nam, I'm not really familiar with my dad's side of the family, except that I know I have about 9 aunts and uncles, give or take. Most of my dad's side moved across the sea and relocated in the U.S. before I was born, so I don't meet them much, except for my paternal granparents' yearly visit to Viet Nam, and even then, I only get to meet some of them, whomever was doing the escorting job, but mostly my 10th aunt, Aunt Linda.

As a child, the oversea aunts and uncles left me in awe, as they would come visit and bring gifts every year, though most of it went to my mom so she could take care of our family. It was not much of noticed to the little me, since I was basically always made to go whether I want to or not, and the little tomboy me would greet the oversea relatives, then promptly scampered off to climb trees, pick fruits and vegetables, or fishing and catching field crabs. Or harassed my poor cousin's chickens.

Roughly when I was 11, I was told that my oversea family is sponsoring us so we could move to America, too. It was exciting, though the exchanges between my relatives remained the same. The only difference is that they told our family to learn nails before we came over, because doing nails is big business in America, and you can earn a lot of money. I could care less, because I was only 11 at the time, and 5 years sound like a long time to wait.

A few months before we were to fly over, my Mom and sister went to nail classes to learn at least the basics. I was exempt because I was too young to work. But it was clear that when I'm older, the same thing would be expected of me. I didn't think about it much, because I was still a tomboy at 14, and only care about having fun. Also, being raised in a strict, traditional Vietnamese culture household, the thought of speaking against the elders has never occurred to me, and basically, I would have to do what the elders wanted me to do. If that means they decides my future for me, it was their right to do so.

The first time I thought of something different for myself was when I was 16, not getting anywhere with high school. My life then was decided for me by someone else. Someone that doesn't care if I will be happy with my future or not, someone that was trying to dash all my hopes and dreams for my own future aside and told me that I will always be a nail technician. That someone was my aunts and uncles, with kids of their own to care about so they didn't have any energy to care for those not of their own. My parents was helpless, as they didn't know any English, and was under the control of the "family" that brought us over to the United States. They were busy trying to make a living, busy trying to pacified relatives that only care about money. My parents could only give me physical support, a roof over my head and food to eat (to which I was grateful), and nothing else. They go to work in the morning, and come home at night, tired. It's not that it doesn't matter to them about what I thought, what I want, it just...they didn't have time. At 16, I have no idea of who I am (or even thought of thinking about who/what I am for that matter), I wanted to be a photographer, an actress, or just travel the world. Those dreams was deemed unpractical, and unnecessary, especially with my aunts and uncles' plan of teaching/getting me qualified as a nail tech and work for them. That was their plan, and mine doesn't matter. It was decided, and I felt trapped then. I wanted to do everything but nails, yet I didn't know what to do to change the fate that was decided for me. My own sister had already fell into that trap, and she could never get out of it. I used to worship my sister, and thought that if a strong, smart, and wonderful person like my sister couldn't get out of it, I certainly will be living a life just like her. I felt trapped and helpless, but there was no room for hate. I was too young to have my own thinking just yet, and beside, I settled into the stability of walking the path of my family, after all, being a nail tech earns a lot of money. I didn't think more on the matter.

At 17, I went into cosmetology, figuring that I might want to do something else other than nails. With the economy then, nails was a treat, and there was a cut in the amount of customers comparing to the previous years. I figured that maybe not everyone want to have their nails done, but almost everyone will need to have their hair taken care off; and by the time that I finish beauty school, the customers will surely increased. It was my first step in fighting back.

I earned a cosmetology licensed, and it was valued above the nail technician licensed, as I can do more than nail tech does, I can do waxing and massaging. My mom was planning to open a spa shop with her and my sister do nails, while I do hair. The plan was talked over and decided without my input, because really, with my mother and sister always doing the deciding, I only had to follow what they tell me to.

I think that's where my rebellious phrase is really coming into effect, and I felt that it was not fair that I am not in control of my life, though there's nothing I could do. Or so I thought.

After graduating high school, I went to work with my sister at her new shop, and I hated every minute of it. I hate touching people's dirty feet, I hated the smell of the chemicals that was used in the nails shop, I hated being told what to do every day of my life, I hated the hours (workign from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. is rough, especially when I started to developed breathing problems, and would be up all night most day because my nosed was not working much at all). We didn't have health insurance, and while I was hating it so much, I have to continue working and earn money enough to buy allergic medication (it was around $200 monthly in prescription drugs a month, as Allegra and Nasalcort wasn't over the counter yet).

After a few months of hating everyday that I have to work, and was ashamed of being a nail tech, I finally called it quit and told my parents I will go to college, just so I don't have to do nails any more. Just like all Asian parents, mine wanted me to be a doctor. I wanted to be a game designer/programmer, and I told them computer science does earn money, too. They let me took a year of it, before I told them I was bored and wanted to become a photographer. They put all four feet down and told me I need to learn something that would let me get a real job, or else. I did gave into their pressure and went to medical courses, only to find out I have no inclination towards that at all. I told them I just can't learn, and my mom pushes me to take pharmacy tech courses. Predictably, that also went over my head, and the name and long ass chemical makeups of medicines just fly over my head. That took a year and a half of my life from me. I was dejected.

I was 23, almost 24, with no degree, no job that I'm interested in, and trying hard to get control of my life away from my parents and my sister, and the sneering, bad treatments of my brother in law. I felt like I have nowhere else to go, no one I could rely on, and no one that I could talk to and vent my troubles away. And before I knew it, I had grown to be a loner, too used to being a lone while others go to work, too scared to let others know what I thought, too scared to find myself, and feeling like I'm going to be trapped like this for the rest of my life. I wanted to break away, but I have no means to do so.

To make matter worse, my sister and her husband cut ties with my parents and the 'family', leaving me to brace the anger and hurt of my parents, with the responsibilities of taking care of them. I took that on, hating every moments that my parents rehashed things that were said and done, my anger builds and builds with all the times that they compared my sister and I, and be even stricter with me "just in case" I turned out like my sister. I ground my teeth and bears it when they told me that no man from the provincial that my brother in law came from is good, and put up with their generalization of how men is terrible (Excuse me, dad, you're a man, too, and not a good father nor a good man, so why are you talking about how others are?). I have all this anger and pain building up at a fast rate in me, with no way of venting them. I turned to video games, and become obsessed with it. I would play games any time I can, all the time if I could. I forsake sleep, exercise, human interaction so I could immense myself in leveling, having friends online, and killing monsters to get epic loot. Gaming was my life, my real life, where I can be free, where I don't have to do anything I don't want to, where I could interact with others and have fun, and for the first time in my life, to have my own opinion valued. In short, gaming was where and when I was a person. I was my own person in a virtual world.

Meanwhile, my parents and I moved from state to state, where we have family members (that was on my dad's side), and where my mom's friend moved to, trying to settle and find a home again. That didn't work out, and we have to move back to Indiana. Then my mom had three open heart surgery, and once again I have to be constantly at her side, essentially living int he hospital with her for 28 days, constantly hearing about my sister. When she was released, my dad quit his part time job so someone could watch over my mother (just an excuse for my dad to not work). My hate for the family, my parents, and my situation only grew, because then it was even worse for me, for everywhere my mother goes, I have to go with her, essentially becoming a hostage for whatever she needs, and listening to her complaining nonstop about how she's not going to make it (she have a heart valve replaced, with a pace maker put in, and according to the doctor, she's better than new, but she would acts like she's so weak she can't even talk one minute, and the next minute chatting on the phone for hours about how heartless my sister is to abandon her at such a critical time, and how it pains her to be alone, with no thought of how I feel, no mention of how I was almost always have to stay by her). All doctors that have my mother as a patient (heart doctor, blood doctor, family doctor, and Coagulant clinic that monitor her weekly) was all saying that she's at the peak of her life, that she's doing much better than she ever was, but to my mother, she's this frail lady with a bad heart, who wouldn't probably make it to the next year.

I was fed up. I wanted an escape. I wanted to be free. I have had enough.

Without telling my parents first (because I know they'll stop me), I signed up for the Navy. Anything to leave, anything to get away. A month after signing the documents, I told them. I felt safe then, for the first time, as there's nothing they could do about it. They can't mess with the government :) I was actually happy, and counting down the months left to boot camp.

In public, and to others, they would act so proud and bragging that I'm a good child for wanting to serve the country we moved to, but in private, they would chide me about my choices, and complain that I was abandoning them, just like my sister did.

I couldn't wait to leave.

Boot camp was bad, as I have never heard so much cursing in my life as an hour in boot camp, and I've never saw so much naked bodies in a bathroom before, but I was doing well. It wasn't easy, as a day in boot camp feel like years, but I eventually learn to ignore everything else and focus on the graduation day. Looking back now, those 2 months was actually not bad, as I was exposed to different people from different age groups and backgrounds, and I learned a lot from them, from loving the diversity to how I was not the only one suffering (which did me good, and help me learn to open my heart). It wasn't bad, and by the time I reported to my first duty station after boot camp, I was a bubbly, smiling five feet three inches of shining sunlight. So much that my chief keep teasing me about my happy personality, and jokingly teasing me to stop being so cheerful in the early morning at least XD

My first duty station was great. I drew the golden straw in "A" school and got assigned to a shore duty on the east coast. It was not just a piece of cake, but the whole cake was handed to me with that assignment. East coast was about chilling and enjoying life, much more so as a shore duty, and thick icing on the cake was a special op duty station. I was given a golden egg laying goose, and nothing else would ever be the same. I was spoiled rotten, as far as the military was concern.

I was not the youngest personnel, but I was the lowest grade personnel the command ever have. Reporting in as an E2 in a command where Senior Chiefs, Master Chiefs came to retired as well as O4 being promoted to O5 was somewhat of a first experience that everyone would dream to have. Being spec ops, they know how valuable life is, and they have an appreciation of personnel that normal commands doesn't have, and I was being treated as an equal instead of an underling (with the exception of my 2 YN1s that was jackass through and through, but even then, my mentor YN2 was there to shield me from most of the explosions and barbed wires that those two dishes out, one after another, and to which I'm ever grateful for). I learned to be a human at that command, I learned that not all people are bad, that there are beautiful things in life. I learned how to find myself, how to think for myself at that command.

I was 25, and for the first time in my life, I learned that I was, am, and always will be a person. I learned that I can make my own choices, I learn lessons that my parents didn't teach me, I learned lessons that my so called 'family' didn't teach me.

It was where I learned that I could do anything I want to do, that there is hope in life. I learned to opened my eyes, my mind, and myself. I learned how to stand up after a fall, to sooth my own tears. I learned to reach out to who I can rely on, despite my fears.

I learned what I was not allowed to before: how to be free.

I was only at my command for two and a half year, but I gained so much from them. I have so much fun, I laugh almost every day, I have new experience every day. I learned so much it feels like that was my family, where I began.

I will always be grateful to my first command, to my mentors; they have done more than anyone have ever done for me; they have given me the knowledge of myself, and the perseverance of learning to be more. I'm always going to think of them fondly, with a smile from my heart, and that's the only family I considered mine.