Borderline Personality Disorder

Getting diagnosed with BPD was both a relief and a source of worry. I saw myself fluctuation with great frequency between opposite spectrum of emotions, and it's a relief to know that it wasn't of my imagination. That I wasn't defected in the way that I thought I was.

Everybody have their own insecurities, and feelings different emotions at once, but BPD suffers worse than that. It's a mental disorder, and I'm still conflict with myself knowing that I have a faulty brain, but it helps in knowing to keep watch on myself and understand the reason why I felt and behave the way I do.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD accurate name for the illness, and actually is misleading, BPD doesn't have an actual name for it yet, as it is still relatively not widely known, despite numbering 1 in 150 people estimated to have BPD. I've been reading a lot of articles about BPD, and it seems that the world either thinks BPD sufferers are either poor victims who needs lots of understanding and care, or BPD was born evil.

A lot of people thinks BPD are crazy, and does not want to tolerate BPD's misbehaviors, and That person with BPD intentionally manipulate you because they're insecure, and they often have bad relationships, and they have a progression of how the relationship evolves.

Loving someone with BPD is a roller coaster ride, and not many people have the strength or will to be able to do it. Knowing this, I understand why - when I look back - I pushes people away. I was scared of them getting to know me, and I felt that they cannot handle me.

To explain it in further details, BPD is emotional PTSD, to which a person have trouble with controlling their emotions and feelings and it affects how they think and act.

This list is copied from Dual Diagnosis, and I put in my answers to these things:
The DMS-IV outlines nine symptoms that identify borderline personality disorder. In order to be diagnosed by a mental health care profession, one needs to be at least 18 years of age and exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:

• Extreme reactions to real or perceived abandonment. The feeling of being abandoned is perhaps one of the most indicative markers of borderline personality disorder. Whether real or imagined, a person suffering from BPD may show intense, often inappropriate, reactions when he/she feels abandoned. (This is true, for when I perceived that someone I love wanted to leave me, I would have anxiety attacks, beg and cry, anything to keep them with me.)

• Torrid relationships. A person with borderline personality disorder often has intense emotions about friends and others close to him/her, in particular lovers or caretakers, which may correlate to fear of abandonment. Feelings may constitute extreme love (idealization) or hate (devaluation) and are subject to change without notice or predicating event. People with BPD may also seem overly reliant or dependent upon friends, lovers, or family members. (Hard relationships, yes, when I either relied upon them completely, or tried to do everything on my own.)

• Distorted self-image. Often feeling like he/she is “bad” or “evil,” a person with BPD may show signs of low self-worth or value. This disturbance in perceived identity is frequently negative or pessimistic and can shift suddenly. For example, someone with BPD may have extreme feelings about how they are unloved or worthless triggered by an event in which a friend is five minutes late for a lunch date. (This applied. I've always have a thought/feeling that I'm a terrible existence, that I'm a poisonous person, completely evil through and through, the worst human have to offer.)

• Impulsive or dangerous behavior. Impulsive or risky behavior often includes sex, substance abuse, binges, or charging a lot of money on credit cards. These behaviors are often considered to be dangerously impulsive and can put oneself or others at risk. (Impulsive, yes, as I completely get absorbed into doing something, like chasing down a 'perfect' wine when I saw an ad; but never have I been promiscuous nor abused substances like the thing suggested.)

• Recurring suicidal thoughts. The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that living with BPD can manifest into destructive behavior, such as self-harm (cutting) or suicide attempt. (All my life, I've felt like the world would be a better place without me. I felt happy imagining how beautiful the world would be, and how free I am if I don't exist. I have only three times thought of killing myself, but the thought of I shouldn't exists was always in the back of my mind.)

• Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Those suffering from BPD may often feel disillusioned or unfulfilled with their places in life. (The emptiness scares me. This black hole I felt in me that I didn't understand and didn't know how to deal with. This black void that threatened to swallow me whole and reduced me to an empty body. It has been with me for so long.)

• Inappropriate anger. Referring to the earlier example about a lunch date, a person with BPD may yell at a friend for being late. It’s possible that, going to back to unstable relationships, he/she may immediately switch feelings about that person and illustrate devaluation as a result. (I experience this often with my parents, whom I would suddenly have an intense rage whenever I hear their voice or see them, and I felt like I would explode whenever that anger comes on. It's understandable, since they were the ones that the beatings came from when I was growing up.)

• Intense and highly unstable moods. Those with BPD often display unpredictable and erratic behavior as the result of varying moods. (Yep. I swing from extremely happy and sociable one moment and then 'leave the the hick alone' the next.)

• Stress-related paranoia or dissociative symptoms. This symptom is marked by a loss of reality or perception. (I daydream a lot, and often time feels like I'm barely there in body.)

I now operate on three mode: feelings everything under the sun, feeling nothing at all (the empty vessels that barely function), and (what I'm trying to cultivate) is feeling overwhelmed with so much feelings, but a little detached while trying to understand and processing those emotions and thoughts.
BPD attitudes can range from everything is their fault to everything is your fault. It is not intentionally, or a mean to manipulate you, it's just our way to trying to live up to a 'normal' standards, and feeling like we have to have an answer for everything, even if that answer was wrong, but it's the best one we can find at the moment.

Personally, my life is a rainbow, without the appreciation for the beautiful colors that no one have a name or description of. I confuses myself on a daily basics, and my goal is 'conquer the world' in one moment that changes into 'I want to go to the moon NOW'. It's exhausting trying to keep up being me.

Relationship with BPD are complicated, and unpredictable. It's how people are attracted to us, because we're exciting, but it is a wear and tear ride that not many can continues. We're extremely smart, and we have a way with people, but often it's how we want to be alone: because people see the happy mask, and they didn't see the person underneath crying their heart out. It's exhausting to have the mask in place, and we usually want to be in our shell, being protected from others and protecting others from ourselves.

We are crazy, but we do love deeply, and the reason we're so caring is because we do not want others to feel the same pain we do.

I've always felt this way, but my diagnosis was only recently. I have a long way to go to overcome this, but it felt tremendously good that I am aware of this, that I am aware of myself. And it's been so helpful in knowing that this can go away with work. I'm determined to be the best that I am, and I know that I am worth it.

An open letter to Non-BPDs