Starting Out

So, I am sitting here, staring at the screen with ideas and wants and needs and questions and the world running inside my mind with so high a speed they're not even words, they're merely pictures and feelings and unnameable things that I could barely glimpse at without being able to understand it fully or explain it. But they brought so much excitement, so much hope and love and sense of wonder. It is why I created this blog, and maybe it's just me and my hopeless daydreaming, stupidity, and naivety, but I'm thinking this might work. This might actually bring my purpose to fruition. That maybe I'll look back at this post and realize this was the moment. This was the beginning I have been searching for. That this is my calling, and I'm finally answering it. Maybe.

I'm talking about crazy ideas that make sense for me, but might not to others, and maybe some day they'll get me committed to an asylum, but this. This make me feels so much alive and energized!
I am sitting right now, in front of my computer in a small (and a bit cold) bedroom in my parents' house, behaving like a teenager, uncertain of my past as well as my future. Chances are, I'll even forgot what this moment would feel like about 30 minutes from now, or even sooner; but right now, I am alive. Alive and doing well.

I admit, I (think) I'm broken. Like a shard of glass from a water bottle that my careless self dropped while trying to fill a bottle up with water. And I'm laying there on the floor in my kitchen, small and sharp, unable to be wet yet soaked in the water puddle. Small and sharp and not much of use but ready to do some damage. It feels like that sometimes - not as a piece of glass, but that I have all these energies, but I can't use them effectively therefore rendering me broken.

I have hopes though. Hopes and dreams so big I feel trapped in my own skin. Ideas and thoughts and feelings that kept me well up through the night, so that I only lay my head down to sleep when the dawn's light seeping through the gaps in my window's blinds.

I am sitting in my room, in a house that doesn't belong to me, with no jobs, no income except for unemployment, at 27, with my first marriage of 4 short months coming to a near end, and wondering what am I doing with my life. I'm a woman, 27 years old, with no career, no real life to speak of, and wondering how I'm going to make it through life.

27 years old, had been so in denial about how uncertain I've felt about everything, and still blind about how the world works, yet so impressionable and so easily excitable. I have no skill that I mastered, no degree, no life, with a family that cares so much for me - but where I don't feel belonged, and wondering how can I take care of myself?

Get a job? I guess that's the first start, but what kind of job do I do? How can I do something that I love? How can I lead myself into a life of fulfillment? What can I do to love my life? Love myself?
Thoughts, feelings, so much in my mind that I can't narrow down. Uncertainty everywhere. What do I do? I feel confused, but I don't feel like I want to give up just yet. I have hope, but I'm scare, too, and the two keeps running in circles, confusing me even more.

What I want to do is to follow my heart, engage in my curiousity, and find something to do that I will love, and grow as a person. But how? How do I do that and still brings food on the table? How do I do that and still pay the bill? Do I need to live on the street? How can I live on the street? I pride myself on my resourcefulness, but right now, I am lost as to what I should do. What is the correct step to put my foot forward?

I am scared, worried, and yet I'm excited at the same time. I feel so much energy coming from within, the urge to do something, to follow my dreams. I feel hope, and all these ideas in my head are calling me, each better than the last.

I dream of a united world. A world where people put the needs of humankind first, not their own greed. A world where everyone is connected to each other - because we are. I dream of a world where ideas never stop spewing forth, and innovations are daily occurrence. I dream of a world where people care for one another, and realize that we are all we've got. A world where religions, hate, greed are the rare and not the norm, where people take care of one another. Do unto others, any one?
I dream of a world where we all matter, each and every one of us. And I feel like it is possible.
The world is hurting right now. What are we doing about it?

I dream of a world where love flow freely. Because that's what we are, creatures of love, deserving love and able to give.

I dream of our beautiful world to be more beautiful, and right now, my worse fear is that somewhere along the path I walk, I will forgot about that fact.